Can't Do or Won't Do? Very Different
Inspired by Ami Vora episode
Ami Vora on diagnosing problems: only three reasons things don't happen - capability, alignment, or setup. Kid tantrums work the same.
Your kid won't put on shoes. You can feel your blood pressure rising. Before you threaten to cancel their birthday, Ami Vora has a diagnostic framework: can't do, won't do, or wasn't set up to do.
Can't do means they literally cannot tie laces yet. You're standing there yelling "JUST DO IT" at someone who has the fine motor skills of a golden retriever. Won't do means they absolutely can, they're just refusing because the blue shoes are "too blue" today. Wasn't set up to do means the shoes are on a shelf they can't reach, which is technically your fault, but you'll die before admitting that.
The problem is you never diagnose which one it is. You're giving a tutorial on double knots when the real issue is they hate you right now. You're negotiating like a hostage situation when they genuinely don't know how. You're forcing when you're the one who put everything on the high shelf.
Misdiagnosis is how a shoe takes forty minutes.
